Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Song of the day

6:40 am.

Wake up, sleepyhead!

Late again--no more than a few minutes to dress before walking up the road to church with D.

But for the first time in these last few lazy morning days, I was not surprised or upset at my laziness.

There would be time enough for Morning Prayer after Mass. Rosary could wait until later, too.

Nor did the anger and frustration that nearly sent me to bed in tears the night before dare to linger.

Instead, this is the song that rose to my heart and lips as I woke up this morning...

...A song of joy, a song of trust in the Lord:
from Psalm 40: 1, 3



Today, by the grace of God, I am working on writing my application letter in the hope that I will have something to send tomorrow. There is so much on my heart and mind with regards to my vocation, I just have to figure out how best to articulate it in a limited number of words.

With patience, prayer, and perseverence, this letter will get written.

My Jesus, I trust in You!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

To be a Victim of Love

These are the words of Father Jean C.J. d'Elbee that I read before going into the examination room this morning, from his conference on The Eucharist:

"Let Him [Jesus] be sure of your smile. To be a victim [of love] is to smile. Total abandonment--'O Jesus, I thank You for everything'--that is enough." (I Believe in Love, 235)

When the nurse called my name, I followed her with prayer. After she had done a basic physical check and explained some things to me, I waited with prayer, and read some more of I Believe in Love...
 
Later, the doctor, perhaps sensing my nervousness and trying to calm me down, said to me, "You're always smiling, aren't you?...you have a beautiful smile!"

It is a smile for God.

I received the Eucharist this morning, and was surrendering at every moment -- surrendering everything to God Alone. He was my strength, and I did not cry out to anyone but Him.

In the end, the test was a success, though I was incredibly weak about the minor discomfort it involved.

And when it was all over, I gave thanks for my good health, and through some tears of joyful relief I pledged my life to God forever.

It is over. They say that the other test is not necessary, praise be to God. All I have left to do is to write a letter. And after that...just wait on God's mercy.

My Jesus, I trust in You!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

When going visiting...and for life in general

Going visiting later today...some nerves keep popping up. I've prayed about it, but that's not all I've done...

This morning I found some useful advice at Victorian Etiquette, both here and here.

Then, I played the Victorian Period Game from McCord Museum, and got a relatively good score, though I did make some ghastly blunders from time to time.

After that, this afternoon will be a breeze!

My Jesus, I trust in You! 

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Wick

To clarify my use of the word "Wick" in earlier posts...

I enjoy listening to music from Musicals, one of which is The Secret Garden. The song "Wick" is one of my particular favorites (though I also really like "Winter's on the Wing," and "The Girl I Mean to Be.")

Here is the opening dialogue and the first few lines of "Wick" and commentary on their relevance to my life (the first bit of dialogue is typed from memory, but after that I found the lyrics here:

Dickon (cheerfully): Hey-o, Hullo there Mary!      
Mary (with much less fervor): Hey-o, hullo there.
Dickon: and what's gotten you in such a bad temper?
Mary: The garden is dead, Dicken. It's the most forgotten place I've ever seen...
Dickon: Did you take a close look at anythin'?  
The strongest roses fair thrive on bein' neglected, 
if the soil is rich enough...                                                       (i.e. hold on to your hope, don't give up!)
Mary: You mean it might be alive? But how can you tell?
Dickon: Oh, I can tell if a thing is Wick!
Mary: Wick? I've heard Ben say Wick...

***

DICKON:
When a thing is wick, it has a life about it.
Now, maybe not a life like you and me.
But somewhere there's a single streak of green inside it.                   (The Divine Life, hidden within me)
Come, and let me show you what I mean.

When a think is wick, it has a light around it.
Maybe not a light that you can see.
But hiding down below a spark's asleep inside it,                    
Waiting for the right time to be seen.

You clear away the dead parts,                                  
So the tender buds can form,
Loosen up the earth and
Let the roots get warm,
Let the roots get warm.

.....
MARY:
When a thing is wick,
And someone cares about it,
And comes to work each day, like you and me,
Will it grow?

DICKON:
It will!

MARY:
Then have no doubt about it,
We'll have the grandest garden ever seen!!
[Spoken]
Oh, Dickon, I want it all to be wick! Would you          (this is one of my favorite parts: I often imagine
come and look at it with me?                                         myself as Mary, asking God/Dickon to work
                                                                                     on the garden of my life with me, to make it wick.)
DICKON:

I'll come every day, rain or shine if you want me.          
(I could not ask for a more enthusiastic
All that garden needs is for us to come wake it up!           response to my prayer! Dickon's
                                                                                             dedication--God's love and promise
                                                                                              of support--gives me much hope!)
MARY:
But, Dickon, what if we save the garden, then Uncle
Archie takes it back, or Colin wants it?

DICKON:
Ay, what a miracle that would be, gettin' a poor
crippled boy out to see his mother's garden!

[Sung]
MARY and DICKON:
You give a living thing                                      (Just give yourself a chance! Don't be tearing yourself
A little chance to grow,                                      apart all the time. You are wick, and you will grow!)
That's how you will know 
If she is wick, she'll grow.
So grow to greet the morning,                    (Morning daylight...Hope.)
Leave the ground below.
When a thing is wick
It has a will to grow and grow.              (I choose life, I have a will to grow, and God wills this for me, too!)

MARY:
Come a mild day, come a warm rain,                       (Gentleness...the Gentleness of the Divine Lover always
Come a snowdrop, a-comin' up!                                breaks through the tension after a storm...
Come a lily, come a lilac!                                            and I am able to bloom for Him again)
Come to call, calling all the rest to come!

MARY and DICKON:
Calling all the rest to come!
Calling all the world to come!                                 (Come and praise the Name of the Lord!)

DICKON:
Oh, somewhere there's single streak of green below,

MARY and DICKON:
And all through the darkest nighttime,                                 (And all through the wildest storms...hang on.)
It's waiting for the right time.                                                 (Everything happens in God's good time)
When a thing is wick, it will grow!                                           (I will live and grow in God's grace!)
 

***

So there you have it...why I prefer the word "Wick" to "alive"--it carries a reference to this song, which has been a vehicle of God's gentle love so many times, especially at the end of wild storms.

Praise be to God for the gift of my life, now and evermore!

Monday, August 1, 2011

been counting since last week...

Giving thanks to God today for His 1000+X gifts:

From the second half of Monday last week:
  1. the most recent batch of files--done. So many names triggering sweet and bittersweet memories at work.
  2. first engagement
  3. cooler weather
From Tuesday:
  1. her wish for a blueberry muffin or banana bread fulfilled--by blueberry banana muffins!
  2. finishing breakfast in tears of laughter for the second morning in a row (I love my crazy family!)
  3. encounter with a Franciscan sister (and the three Friars of the Renewal are still here, too!)
  4. joy in my heart, leaving the island. We're going on an adventure!
  5. we turned onto Waterman Street. I lost the game.
  6. keeping watch for the Providence College sign on the side of the highway...to pray for my Friars Preachers!
  7. driving down the now familiar route to my convent...only we're not going to my convent. Just to a college run by Jesuits.  ; P
  8. the most hospitable Wendy's staff I've ever met, just down the hill from the college where my sister will start as a freshman this fall 
  9. re-entering Providence at 12:21...how's that for Providence?!
  10. afternoon off from work...transition back to the 70s and early 80s tomorrow
  11. email from my dear Mistress, clarifying a question I had. Now I can go to the Doctor's later this week!
Days of grace, noticing love in the big and little things, but not recording until all gratitude for all this came pouring out one afternoon (but not in chronological order, or any kind of order!)...
  1. letter from one friend; package (with homemade honey!) from another
  2. grace and courage to speak despite anxiety and fear
  3. beginning "training"--jogging with littlest sister
  4. the Communion of Saints
  5. The Bishop of the Golden Tongue and the Bishop of the Golden Words
  6. exploring Parade School and praying hard for Danny and his family
  7. 2 CSC sisters looking after me
  8. already building anticipation and prayer for Dominican Brothers: the 13, the 9, and the 16.
  9. Adam of the Road and High Middle Ages History memories
  10. early morning planting: the last of the bean plants
  11. 99, 99, 99, and 99! See what glory and knowledge God has given!
  12. the number 313 keeps on popping up at work...and I am so grateful for the Edict of Milan! 
  13. littlest sister's great love revealed as we sit near the garden together in the afternoon: "I gave you the biggest raspberry, Mary!"
  14. God's love is uncalculating, too!
  15. 6 round band-aids covering my worst signs of weakness and the fun my sister and I had putting them on me and decorating them (this has to do with one of my yellow stars, by the way, the one that says, "you will never break your bad habits. Just keep giving in/ ignoring them/ getting angry about them"  I've given in to this one destructive habit for nearly 21 years and bear scars on my legs because of it. 21 years, and my legs have never been clear of scabs. I've had enough! But how can I get angry when one of my band-aids says, "God is Love!" and the others are pretty and I cannot get at my scabs to pick them off anymore?) God is good!
  16. Ketchup makes everything better
  17. bees in the raspberry patch
  18. deadheading marigolds and memories of childhood gardening with Mommy (inchworm, inchworm, measuring the marigolds...)
  19. shade
  20. the promise of a new month rapidly approaching...and so many glorious feast-days ahead!  
  21. confirmation of a hope--things are coming together! and it was worth the wait and even the fears last night, for the joy that I have now is so much the greater! 
  22. and that he should take time out of his vacation to email me and reassure me that he has not forgotten, for this I am truly grateful, and beg a thousand blessings from God upon him!
Joining the Gratitude Community at A Holy Experience today and every Monday:

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    two 5 minute quotes for today and tomorrow...

    ...because that's all the time I have right now...

    From Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word II, reflection on Matthew 13:38b

     "The real surprise comes at the master's reaction when the servants, overcome by anxiety, want to dash into the field and pull out the weeds on the spot. Rather than becoming obsessed like them with the presence of evil, the serene farmer at once ponders something far more important: the welfare of the wheat. He at least does not think that the power of the weeds to choke is superior to the power of the wheat to grow and thrive." (Merikakis, 276)

    This quote relates to the Love War and my recent thoughts about anxiety attacks. I particularly love the image of the serene farmer (God). He offers me a share in His serenity, if only I have the heart and will to accept it! This probably has something do do also with abandonment to Divine Providence...head in a sack...serenity. Something to think about...

    *****

    From Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word II, reflection on Matthew 13:39

     "the Church [on earth] necessarily has within her both the good and the bad, not statically but dynamically, that is, the sinners hopefully growing more and more by the action of divine grace into their full stature as saints. This is the era of the patience of God, of the maturing of the harvest, of the mutual aid that saints and sinners are to bring to one another: yes, even the sinners, by giving the saints the opportunity to collaborate with Christ in their redemption and thus merit their unfading crown."(Merikakis, 285)

    This is Christ's Body at its best: saints and sinners working together with Christ for the salvation of all! And God is patient indeed! Praise and blessings be to Him forever and ever, amen!

    (ok, so that was more than 5 minutes, but that’s all right—I had more time than I thought...God is merciful and I love Him forever!)