Love vs. False Dichotomy

Here are some signs that I really need to start obeying as I continue to wait for a word from my Prioress...

because I know that

A) Comparison and Dichotomy are really not doing good things in my life right now.

and, even more than that,

B) Love does not make comparisons or engage in false dichotomies.



But how many times over the last few days (and weeks) have I found myself thinking...

"if only I were in the convent already, I'd be more faithful to x, y, z and I would be happier."

How many times have I found myself longing for a quiet space in which to live, for constant participation in the Liturgy, for a simpler, more focused, and even a more productive life?

Because all these things are definitely only possible in the convent, right?

And I can only be happy when I have all these things, when I am finally perfect, right?

Wrong, wrong, wrong, all wrong! And I think this is part of the Love War, because whenever these thoughts start, others inevitably follow until I am ready to give up on everything.

Here are some counter-points to the lies of darkness and uselessness and futility...
Here are some words of light and grace and truth:

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus, by the will of God, to the holy ones who are [in Ephesus] faithful in Christ Jesus, // grace to you, and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."(Ephesians 1:1-2)

these are the opening lines of Paul's Letter to the Ephesians, which my Novice Mistress assigned me for Lectio Divina back in June. Then, I wondered why the words [in Ephesus] were bracketed. The technical explanation, that any community could be inserted depending on where the letter was read, made sense, but I had another idea. What if location does not matter? What if state in life does not matter either?
What if all that matters is that we are "holy ones who are...faithful in Christ Jesus"?


In "God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ" is all my peace, no matter where I am. If I will to remain in His Love, if I will not to let little things annoy me, I can live fully here and now. I can be happy, if only I choose love.

 I am not in a state of limbo, between the life that I have lived until now and my future, real life in the convent. It is the will of God that I live here now and be present to those with whom I live. From the moment I was conceived, I was already living my real life, which is intensified by the Sacraments and by Love.

Love is the only way to live. Everything else is secondary, inconsequential in light of eternity.

Misery passes, earthly happiness fades, too, and even "all perfection has an end" (Ps 119:96),

but "Faith, hope, and love endure, these three, and the greatest of these is Love." (1 Cor 13:13)

Blessed may You be, Lord, God of Love. 
No matter where I am, You tell me that I am already Yours.
No matter how far I fall, You call me back and welcome me with open arms of love.  
I want to live for love this day, and all the days of my life!
Blessed may You be, Lord, God of Love. 

Love vs. Dualism

(source)

This is an excerpt of how George Weigel explains Father Karol Wojtyla's  philosophy and theology of responsible love:

"In freely giving myself sexually to another as an expression of love, I am being myself in a most radical way, for I am making myself a gift to another in a way that is a profound expression of who I am." (Weigel, George. Witness to Hope, 142)

I was struck by this passage, and I wonder if this holds true for every chaste relationship, including those in which the partners remain celibate?

Every day, I strive to dedicate everything I am, have, and do, completely to God, including my sexuality. It is all God's initiative, though.

God not only invites me to give myself freely to Him in the totality of my being (which is itself His gift to me), but He also gives me the grace to do so. In this give and take between the Lord and my soul, I really do discover who I am, at the core of my being.

I once thought that, as someone who hopes to be a nun, sexual ethics and the Theology of the Body would not be important to me.

Now, I am just beginning to realize that I just might have been wrong about this!

In fact, I have been fighting dualistic tendencies of thinking all my life (holy father, Saint Dominic, pray for me!), and here is an answer to them:

I believe that I am a body-mind-soul unity, made for the praise of God's glory in the totality of my being. I cannot just choose to cast off my body, abuse it, or ignore it (as if it would ever let me anyway) without losing my humanity and betraying a huge part of God's will for my life.

In fact, all this talk of me and my body, my body as an 'it' is just feeding into the dualistic mentality. I am so bad at using language!

I am my body, and my body is me. But, unlike the materialists, I believe in the existence of an immortal soul as well. A few  years ago, on a Philosophy exam in college, I did a little bit of speculation as to what the soul is/does:

"As a Catholic, I believe that the soul does exist, and that it is the source of my fundamental identity. It is the part of me that shall never die, even though the body and my brain will one day decay. (Remember o man that you are dust and unto dust you shall return!)...The soul is that which unites the body and the mind, thereby making me a single entity...I am my soul, my soul is me. We cannot be separated or distinguished from one another." (from my practice notes, which I saved) 

At any rate, this book...

(Source)

...is now on my reading list (though it is doubtful that I will get to it anytime soon, as I still have 800+ pages to go in Witness to Hope! and other books in line ahead of it).

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, an amateur theologian
(and even worse philosopher!)
struggling to grasp the truth of my existence
in light of Your Love and Your Truth!

My Jesus, I love You.
My Jesus, I trust in You.
My Jesus, I give myself entirely to You!

St. Peter Chrysologus asks...

"Why then, man, are you so worthless in your own eyes and yet so precious to God?"

This line from the Office of Readings for the feast of St. Peter Chrysologus surprises me every year.

Why am I so hard on myself? Some would say that it is because I have an inordinate sense of self, a self-love that hates to admit of failure or weakness and yet constantly accuses me of them anyway. This is not the way to honor the wonder of my being, which is only God's free gift from start to finish. He created me, He redeemed me, He loves me, and therein lies my dignity, a dignity that can never be annulled or effaced by anything that I do or fail to do.

Here is the quote cited above in its fuller context: "He who made man without generation from pure clay made man again and was born from a pure body. The hand that assumed clay to make our flesh deigned to assume a body for our salvation. That the Creator is in his creature and God is in the flesh brings dignity to man without dishonor to him who made him.
Why then man, are you so worthless in your own eyes and yet so precious to God? Why render yourself such dishonor when you are honored by him? Why do you ask how you were created and do not seek to know why you were made?" (From a sermon by Saint Peter Chrysologus, bishop).

I am precious to God. I have not earned His love, nor could I ever. For if love can be earned, then it is not love. When will I learn to live freely in the light of this truth? It is easy to think in my mind and say with my lips but hard to live with my heart. In fact, one of my yellow stars with ugly red words carries this blatant lie: 
"Love must be earned." And its partner says, "You are not worthy."  I have lived in the shadow of lies long enough. Love cannot be earned, but I am precious to God and honored by God. It may be true that I am not worthy of Him, it is true, but He is worthy of me, as He said to one of His saints (I believe it was St. Catherine of Siena). And so I hope in God's love.

Sweet Jesus, Jesus Love, I trust in You!

Love's Lessons

I haven't had any time to work with my yellow stars and war board recently, but have been thinking about the Love War and noticing things anyway. Inspired by the goings-on at Deep into Love, I have come up with the following commentary on my daily life and struggles:

1) Love doesn't panic...because it trusts in the Beloved.

Do I panic? Yes I do, far more often than I would like to admit...Why is this so?

a) I worry that there is not enough time to do x, y, z...and I Have to Do x, y, z, or ELSE.

b)  I am not good enough for the task ahead of me...I need help, I can't do it! (Somehow I forget that I'm never alone, and have all the help in the world. Even when I ask for help, I often fail to trust that help will be given me, and even as it is being given, I let myself be blinded to it by fear and anxiety.)

 c) someone has asked me a question...and oh, no, all of a sudden I have nothing to say. The answers have flown away. Again. And stuttering, stumbling over my own words, I panic and sound like a complete fool, a ne'er do well.

2) Love does not use the word "should," in a spirit of bitter regret or anxiety, because all that happens, happens according to God's loving plan and Providence.

 This is something I struggle with a lot...

a) Sometimes the "shoulds" get in the way of actually living. I should do x, y, z, but I didn't. And now I'm angry at myself for not doing x, y, z. And being angry is a waste of time and energy. So now I am angry at myself for being angry...and I panic. But Love doesn't panic, see 1) above. 

3) There have been more lessons running through my brain, but I've forgotten them...but Love forgives all!

Our God is the God of Love...God is Love! Blessed be God forever, for ages unending, Amen!

Br. Lawrence on Falling Down

In the Second Conversation of the Practice of the Presence of God, Br. Lawrence says...

“That when he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault, saying to God, ‘I shall never do otherwise if you leave me to myself. ‘Tis you must hinder my falling and mend what is amiss.’ That afterwards, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it.”

Though I have never stopped sinning and mistakes every day of my life, while I was in the convent in June, I realized that it is vain and useless to be surprised and upset at them...but judging by yesterday and many other days in my recent history, this lesson has not yet sunk in. But we're working on it, my Jesus and I...

Moses and the Condemnation of Towns

Reflections on Exodus 2:1-15a and Matthew 11:20-24

“When the child grew, she brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter, who adopted him as her son and called him Moses; for she said, ‘I drew him out of the water.”(Exodus 2:10)

This story of how Moses was drawn out of the water reminds me of two other passages in the Bible:

Jesus, “said, ‘Come.’ Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw how [strong] the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, and said to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?’” (Matthew 14:29-31)

and

 “Save me God, for the waters have reached my neck.” (Psalm 69:1)

Together, these three quotes are a reminder that God is in control, a reminder that he is the one who draws me out of the waters of chaos, from my utter weakness, and makes me secure in his love and mercy. And he gives me a new name, his own name, which will be written on my forehead, as it says in Revelation 22:4...I always picture the Tetragrammatron in shining gold letters on my forehead whenever I think of this verse. But who am I that I should belong to God? I think it’s a conspiracy...of love and mercy! I knew it!

“Then he began to reproach the towns where most of his mighty deeds had been done, since they had not repented. ‘Woe to you, Chorazin...Bethsaida...Capernaum...for if the mighty deeds done in your midst had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day.” (Matthew 10:20-23)

Great, just what I need: now that I have been consoled by the passage of Exodus, Matthew gives me a series of woes...what are you saying to me, Lord, through this condemnation of the towns???

And what on earth do the two readings have to do with one another???

it’s a puzzle, for sure...

is this the answer? >>>I am Chorazin. I am Bethsaida. I am Capernaum. God has done mighty deeds in my life; His right hand raised me out of the waters of chaos, inadequacy, and despair more times than I can count. But have I fully repented and turned myself completely over to him, for the execution of his plan? Clearly not. I am Chorazin, I am Bethsaida, I am Capharnaum. I have been duly warned. I stand in need of mercy. I repent. I surrender. And I give thanks to you, Lord, forever, for your conspiracy of love and mercy. It’s a good thing there’s a conspiracy...

Quote(s) of the Day

 reflection on Mt 10:34 from Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word I--

“Christ’s sword comes to destroy our illusions, our self-deceptions, and to open in our being a blessed wound that will be our clear window to truth and love.” (Merikakis, 601)

and a reflection on Mt 10:38--

“Whatever else the disciple might happen to be doing exteriorly and visibly, he is always carrying the Cross of Jesus in silence and obedience and love. Or, better, everything done by the disciple qua disciple collectively constitutes ‘his cross,’ for it is his share in the redemptive task.

What is at the center of the disciple’s Way of the Cross, at the core of the drama of his following of Jesus, is not particular actions but rather an unseen life in union with the Heart and soul of the incarnate Word before the Face of his Father. ” (Merikakis, 612)

These are reflections on the Gospel for tomorrow, unless the monks decide to use a special one for the feast of St. Benedict!
There is at least one sword involved in the conspiracy of love...the two-edged sword of the Word!
And of course the Cross manifests itself in the conspiracy as well...in fact, it is at the core. Can the love of God be separated from the Cross, understood apart from the Cross???

The Beggar God

In preparation for Mass tomorrow (The 15th Sunday in Ordinary Time), I am studying Leiva-Merikakis' commentary on the Parable of the Sower...and was struck by the following quote:

“After giving us Jesus, and him crucified, God himself can only make a perpetual gesture of empty-handedness in our direction, the gesture proper to a beggar.

But then love, especially divine Love (because it is so radical), always is a beggar, and God’s love, extreme and uncompromising like no other, begs for our faith and love in the most extreme manner, by revealing to us the wounds the eternal Son has sustained on our behalf.” (Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word v. II, p. 227)

So, class, what have we learned today, and in recent days?

1) God’s love is unconditional—if love can be earned, then it is not love.

2) God’s love is uncalculating, and knows no limits or restrictions, but absolutely shatters our own tiny categories of understanding

3) God’s love makes him a beggar—in Jesus, through the Incarnation, he has given us all that he is, all that he has...and if we fail to respond, that is our fault, not God’s...

...but don’t forget: the conspiracy of Love and Mercy continues no matter what! Let us be faithful conspirators, in company with the Beggar God!

Lord, help me to be faithful to the teachings I have received—not only to remember them and to repeat them with joy, but to live them with my whole heart, for the salvation of souls, for your eternal glory. Amen

Uncalculating Love

As I work on the cross-stitch project for Maribel Therese, I am listening to the Dominican Friars' Word to Life on the Mass readings for tomorrow. As Fr. introduces the show, he quotes Nash from  A Beautiful Mind and interprets his words thusly:

“ ‘it is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found.’ Nash’s discovery points towards the ultimate discovery that any human being can make: That each of us is only here because we have been brought into existence by the uncalculating love of God.”  

...The Uncalculating Love of God...sounds familiar! Just a few days ago, I was reading The Foundations of Religious Life: Revisiting the Vision by the CMSWR, and came across this quote, which struck me at the time:

"What man experiences for the first time in Christ's presence is love totally devoid of the taint of calculation."

...there was more to the quote, but for the sake of time, I'll have to post it later, perhaps. not now.

But Someone is apparently trying to teach me something. Maybe this is the first lesson of the Conspiracy of Love: Love does not calculate. Say it one hundred times, let it sink in until you live and breath this truth...Love does not calculate. Neither should I.

And the Conspiracy goes on...

Welcome to the Conspiracy of Love

Don't we all just love conspiracy theories?
Well, I've been initiated into the conspiracy of love and mercy...
it doesn't require much, only one's whole heart and will !
In his commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word I, 
Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis writes (reflecting on Jesus' healing of a mute person),

"Where would any of us be were it not for the conspiracy of love and mercy 
taking place behind our backs, 
whereby brethren we perhaps know nothing of bear us, 
in our unconscious impotency, to the Source of strength and life?"(507)

Where would we be, indeed?! I want to be a part of this conspiracy every day of my life !
Needless to say, it is a two-way street, and I am unconsciously impotent, too...
please pray for me to God, in love and mercy, as I do for you !
In Christ,
Mary