At the end of the afternoon, I take stock and find my credit running too high, waters rising over my head again.
It's been another nearly-wasted day according to my dim eyes that can't see through to the other side of this storm looming large. Anger, frustration, doubt, despair break out and I run away from the most ordinary task because I can't seem to pull myself together. I just leave the table half-set for dinner and escape to a corner by myself. I can't let the others see the terror in my heart, my heart just shattering, and for what?
Can lack of perspective be forgiven? Can selfishness? I forget Who I'm dealing with, sometimes.
I ask Him,
And he says,
He tells me not to worry. And I do my best, but think seriously that I do need to get to confession soon. "It has been too long, Lord, forgive me."
"Whenever you can make it, Mary, in the meantime, don't worry. I have already forgiven you."
As the storm ends, my sister comes in to ask me: "do you want water with dinner, Mary?"
I realize that she has picked up the pieces that I left behind, and finished the job I started. I thank her. And the storm is all blown away by love and forgiveness, just in time for dinner.
Before I leave the room, I look at my pillow.
One tear mark is shaped like a heart.
I am loved,
and now, hours later, as I write this, He says, "Go and do likewise..."
"tomorrow, I will, Lord, with the help of Your grace. Today is spent, and maybe spent well after all?"