Wednesday, August 17, 2011

still counting on His forgiveness...

...because morning aspirations and ejaculations of trust don't always make it through to the end of the day.

At the end of the afternoon, I take stock and find my credit running too high, waters rising over my head again.

It's been another nearly-wasted day according to my dim eyes that can't see through to the other side of this storm looming large. Anger, frustration, doubt, despair break out and I run away from the most ordinary task because I can't seem to pull myself together. I just leave the table half-set for dinner and escape to a corner by myself. I can't let the others see the terror in my heart, my heart just shattering, and for what?

Can lack of perspective be forgiven? Can selfishness? I forget Who I'm dealing with, sometimes.

I ask Him,

"Lord, why did you die for this mess that is my life?

In light of what You suffered on the crucifix for my sake, what have I to cry about?"

And he says,

"Mary, it's all right. I love you and I forgive you everything. and I will forgive everything as many times as you need to be forgiven."

He tells me not to worry. And I do my best, but think seriously that I do need to get to confession soon. "It has been too long, Lord, forgive me." 

"Whenever you can make it, Mary, in the meantime, don't worry. I have already forgiven you."

As the storm ends, my sister comes in to ask me: "do you want water with dinner, Mary?"

"yes, please,"

I realize that she has picked up the pieces that I left behind, and finished the job I started. I thank her. And the storm is all blown away by love and forgiveness, just in time for dinner.

Before I leave the room, I look at my pillow.

One tear mark is shaped like a heart. 

I am loved,

and forgiven.

and now, hours later, as I write this, He says,  "Go and do likewise..."

"tomorrow, I will, Lord, with the help of Your grace. Today is spent, and maybe spent well after all?"


  1. Beautifully written and powerful. The power of confession even in our own hearts.

  2. Thank you for stopping by and for your encouragement, Misty.
    As a Catholic, I believe in the necessity of Sacramental Confession to a priest in order to be made completely whole by Christ's healing graces. Sometimes it gets hard for me to live with myself when I know I need to go, but the knowledge that all my sins are completely remitted after making a good Confession to Christ in the person of a priest is so wonderful. Hopefully I will indeed make it soon!

  3. Whoops, forgive me, please, Misty. I just realized that you are Catholic, too, so probably you didn't need my lecture about Sacramental Confession. But it's good to have it up anyway, just for the record. And I think maybe I needed it myself more than anyone else who may be stopping by here.

    God bless, (and please pray for me as I do now for you!)



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